Linguist Suzette Haden Elgin classes hostile language as a bad thing, and that efforts should be made to promote alternatives.
To that end, she analysed what the standard patterns of verbal attack are, and proposed 7 solutions to divert and counter them.
They are:
- Really listen. Use “Miller’s Law,” namely assume the other person’s statement is true and ask what it could be true of.
- Be aware of metaphors. A usual metaphor is that “disagreement is combat.”
- Use “computer” or “leveling” modes of speaking. Computer mode is nonpersonal and neutral. Leveling mode is “telling things straight.” Avoid blaming, placating, or distracting modes.
- Use appropriate presuppositions. Rather than stating a person’s known bad behavior, assume it while moving towards a solution.
- Deal with verbal attacks. Ignore the “bait,” and respond to the presupposition. For example, if a person says “If you really cared about the environment, you’d support this petition,” you can respond, “When did you start thinking I don’t care about the environment?”
- Reduce tension, for example by using “I” messages (“When you yell, I feel upset because real communication is shut down”).
You’ll notice that’s only six. The last of her list was:
“Keep non-attached. (Emotional non-attachment is valuable to avoid being sucked in by the hostile speaker.)”
I don’t think emotional non-attachment is necessarily a good aim if you’re being attacked. People often deride women for being “emotional” as a reason to ignore their arguments, because when you’re coming against attacks on your lived experience, it can be hard to stay calm.
I see it as the responsibility of people around (in this example, men) to support by balancing detached language with an acknowledgement that the anger is entirely justified and not negative. This obviously has to be done carefully, to not overwrite someone else’s feelings.
This is a simple tool to summarise, but a difficult one to learn. It wouldn’t stop all difficult behaviour, but it is a useful first step before escalation.
If your organisation has even one or two people that are really versed in verbal skills that can defuse a potential blow-up, resolve bitter disputes, and lay the foundation for collaboration, it can be a great asset.
from Activists and “difficult people” by Brian Martin